2016 NFL Big Brother Week 2 Eviction

Posted By: Chris Ransom on 9/19/2016

Julie Chen: Welcome to NFL Big Brother. My Name is Julie Chen and I'll be hosting NFL Big Brother where 32 NFL Teams compete against each other for the right to be HOH in order to play for the Big Brother Bowl. We have 28 teams remaining in NFL Big Brother. We had 29 NFL teams, but one NFL team got evicted.

Ndamukong Suh: Thanks for having us on Julie. We'll try again next season.

Julie Chen: Thanks for playing Miami. That does it for Miami. The Miami Dolphins are officially eliminated from NFL Big Brother.

The Cincinnati Bengals found Harambe the Gorilla's dead body. The Bengals brought the famouse gorilla from the Cincinnati Zoo back to life.

Harambe: Mike Tomlin is my father.

Andy Dalton: Mike Tomlin is not your real father. Coach Marvin Lewis is your real father.

Harambe: I was kidding about Mike Tomlin being my real father. My real father is Caesar. He was an ape that led a revolution of apes.

Andy Dalton: No asshole, Marvin Lewis is your real father.

Harambe: Marvin Lewis is my coach not my father. What position will I play?

Marvin Lewis: Harambe you will start at tight end. With Tyler Eifert out you are the perfect candidate to replace him.

Roger Goodell and Aaron Rodgers had a quick exchange following the Packers loss to the Vikings.

Roger Goodell: The Packers, Bengals, and Raiders all lost. Good thing the Jets are HOH.

Aaron Rodgers: Yeah, it would suck to get evicted coming off a loss to the Vikings. Look at what happened to Andrew Luck last week.

Roger Goodell: Don't remind me Aaron. Go film a State Farm Commercial with Clay Matthews in an Igloo in Alaska.

We returned to NFL Big Brother. A quarterback got pissed off when Harambe pooped in his helmet.

Josh McCown: Why did you poop in my helmet? I'm a tough man trying to inspire my little boys.

Harambe: You're not tough. You're a fucking pussy that looks like he works at Quizno Subs. I'm tough. I got shot at the Cincinnati Zoo.

Peyton Manning: I agree with Harambe McCown. You are not tough. Most gorilla's poop on the floor or fling crap at people like babies. Harambe poops in a Cleveland Browns helmet like a grown ass gorilla. I'm proud of you Harambe because you realize that you have to poop in a toilet, but you also realize that the Browns franchise is one big ass toilet.

Harambe: That means a lot from the reigning Super Bowl champ. I must go talk to Andy Dalton. I do not trust this Roger Goodell fella.

Peyton Manning: I agree with Harambe again. Goodell cannot be trusted. The Bengals can join my alliance if Harambe can convince Andy Dalton that Roger Goodell is the root of all evil.

Harambe: I love you Peyton.

Peyton Manning: I love you too Harambe.

The New York Jets met up. Darrelle Revis and Ryan Fitzpatrick met up pitching their suggestions of who to nominate for eviction to Todd Bowles.

Darrelle Revis: The Cincinnati Bengals receiver A.J. Green said my coverage is endangering the people of Revis Island. Let's get rid of the Bengals now that they lost.

Ryan Fitzpatrick: We have to stick to the script and evict 2 AFC East teams. That's the only way we can guarantee ourselves in the NFL Big Brother Playoffs.

Todd Bowles: I cannot believe those motherfuckers won. The Patriots are 2-0. Now I need to decide if the Bengals or Bills should be evicted next. Get out of my office boys, I need time to think.

We checked in on the New England Patriots. They were in a mid life crisis at quarterback with Brady suspended and Garoppolo injured.

Liam Neeson: Bill we need a backup quarterback until Tom Brady returns.

Bill Belichick: I know. I have a few actors in mind. My top choice is Chuck Norris.

Liam Neeson: Chuck Norris will only play for the Cowboys or Texans. I tried to get a hold of him and he roundhoused me.

Bill Belichick: Are you kidding me. Which celebrity can we get at backup quarterback?

Liam Neeson: There are two celebrities we can get. These two Patriots fans are Dane Cook and Tom Cruise.

Bill Belichick: Can we get Keanu Reeves? He was awesome as Shane Falco.

Liam Neeson: No, Keanu Reeves is busy filming another movie. Do you want Dane Cook or Tom Cruise?

Bill Belichick: Cruise looks a little like Tom Brady. The day I let Dane Cook join the Patriots will be the day Rob Gronkowski does my daughter doggy style on his piece of shit cruise. As a father, I will prevent that day from occurring.

Liam Neeson: You have a daughter? What's her name?

Bill Belichick: Her name is Amanda Belichick. She's out of your league Liam, and you are in a league of your own so she's up there on cloud 9.

Liam Neeson: Should I send Tom Cruise in?

Bill Belichick: Yes.

Tom Cruise walked in. He took a seat before signing his 2 game contract as the Patriots backup.

Tom Cruise: I am so honored to be on the Patriots. New England is my favorite NFL Team. OMG I went to prison the other day and have been a counselor for Aaron Hernandez. I've been teaching Aaron Hernandez about scientology.

Bill Belichick: Oh Jesus. I'm already regretting this. I went with Tom Cruise over Dane Cook because Cruise was awesome in Mission Impossible and Dane Cook sucks.

Harambe met up with Andy Dalton. He needed to let Dalton know how he felt about Roger Goodell.

Harambe: Andy, you cannot do business with Roger Goodell. I will demand a trade if you do.

Andy Dalton: Ok, but you have to go to Goodell's office in New York and break things off with Goodell.

Harambe: Deal.

Joe Flacco and Roger Goodell had a meeting in New York. Goodell was curious as to why Harambe, a dead gorilla had the top selling Bengals jersey on NFL.com. Goodell was about to find out about what the Bengals did with Harambe.

Joe Flacco: The Baltimore Ravens are 2-0. Putting faith in us was smart.

Roger Goodell: I know. We're lucky the Jets are the HOH this week. They will most likely nominate the Bills for eviction.

Harambe showed up in Goodell's office. He was carrying a backpack of barrels.

Joe Flacco: Holy shit it's Harambe.

Roger Goodell: Haha lol. That's funny Joe. Harambe isn't here. Why is Harambe #1 on NFL.com in jersey sales for the Bengals. I need to cancel all jersey sales for Harambe.

Goodell managed to cancel Harambe's jersey orders on NFL.com. Seconds later, Goodell saw Harambe.

Harambe: The Cincinnati Bengals brought me back to life. I told Andy Dalton I don't support your NFL Martial Law plan. Peyton Manning and I hit it off and became great friends.

Roger Goodell: Shit. Joe where are you going. What the hell are you doing with that parachutte in my office young man.

Joe Flacco: Sorry Roger Goodell. I only brought one parachute. Have fun with Harambe.

Roger Goodell: You're an asshole Flacco.

Harambe began throwing barrels at Goodell like Donkey Kong. Goodell kept jumping over the barrels before finding a way to escape from Harambe. Harambe left as well returning to NFL Big Brother. Before Harambe left Goodell's office, he ate a banana while reading this magazine. Leaving it on Goodell's desk.

We returned to NFL Big Brother. The Jets were about to pick their second nominee. Todd Bowles made his decision before Peyton Manning and Harambe showed up.

Todd Bowles: I am not sure if I should evict the Bengals or the Bills. I need to do what's best for the Jets.

Peyton Manning: Well if you don't nominate the team I want you to nominate, which is the Bengals, then my teammates Houston and New England who are in my alliance can nominate the Jets for eviction in week 3. If you nominate the Bengals you will be safe in week 3.

Harambe: The Cincinnati Bengals brought me back to life Todd Bowles. Also I got Dalton to leave Roger Goodell's NFL Martial Law plan. I threw barrels at Goodell like Donkey Kong and left a Time Magazine that says Douche of the Year on his desk. I think we should take out the Packers now while we have the chance. I honored my agreement Peyton. Please consider my proposal Peyton.

Peyton Manning: You're right Harambe we should get rid of the Packers now that deal applies to the Packers Todd Bowles. You didn't just meet my expectations, you exceeded them. I'm so proud of you Harambe. I'm more proud of you than I am of Eli's 2-0 start with the Giants.

Harambe: I'm glad you enjoy me. Please don't be so hard on Eli.

Todd Bowles: Okay, I'll nominate the Packers. Ryan Fitzpatrick told me the Bengals, Ravens, Raiders, and Cowboys all got recruited to Goodell's alliance. I don't think the Packers are in his alliance so he won't care.

Peyton Manning: You're right Todd. Goodell won't care so use common sense and get rid of the Packers.

Julie Chen: House Guests its time for the eviction ceremony.

The 28 remaining teams reported for the eviction ceremony. Todd Bowles was about to make his decision public.

Julie Chen: Alright Todd Bowles. Miami is out of the game. It is up to you to decide who joins them as the next evicted team.

Todd Bowles: The team I am nominating is the Green Bay Packers. I was told I'd be safe in week 3 if I nominated the Packers since this team that shall remain nameless wants the Packers out of the game.

Julie Chen: Alright Green Bay. Do you guys have any final words.

Aaron Rodgers: This sucks. We were supposed to win this.

Next time on NFL Big Brother. Find out if the Houston Texans or New England Patriots becomes the new HOH on NFL Big Brother. Find out who they nominate when both Houston and New England meet up with Peyton Manning in a secret meeting. Will Goodell kick the Jets out of his NFL Martial Law plan? Will Ryan Fitzpatrick sway Goodell? Find out why Goodell summons Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Will Harambe cause more shenanigans with Goodell? Finally, Colin Kaepernick acuses a former NFL player of joining ISIS. Find out who he accuses and how that team retaliates next time on NFL Big Brother.