2016 NFL Big Brother Week 7 Eviction

Posted By: Chris Ransom on 10/24/2016

Julie Chen: Welcome to NFL Big Brother. My Name is Julie Chen and I'll be hosting NFL Big Brother where 32 NFL Teams compete against each other for the right to be HOH in order to play for the Big Brother Bowl. We have 15 teams remaining and after tonight we will have 14 teams left maybe even fewer than that depending on what happens. Let's disqualify Seattle for tying with Arizona. There are no ties allowed on NFL Big Brother.

Pete Carroll: This rule is bullshit. I really believe this is messed up.

Julie Chen: Sorry Petey, see you later.

We will now to a jail cell where Hillary Clinton was being held. Bill Clinton stood out in front of Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: Get me out of this fucking jail cell. AARGH!

Bill Clinton: Watch Monica Lewinsky go down on me and I'll post bail.

Hillary watched Monica perform Oral Sex on Bill Clinton outside a jail cell. Bill posted bail for Hillary Clinton who went back to campaigning for President just like that.

Meanwhile Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Matthew Stafford, and Pinky met in Bill Belichick's office to discuss how to defeat Cecil's army of gay lions.

Peyton Manning: Alright guys, Cecil the Lion has 6 lions in his army of Gay Lions. There is Blood the red lion, Big Orange the orange lion, Super Sonic the yellow lion, Green Party Candidate Jill Stein the green lion, Detroit the blue lion, and Minnesota the purple lion.

Eli Manning: The Crips took out Blood so now we only have to deal with 5 Lions.

Peyton Manning: Awesome Eli. I'll go rescue Big Orange so Archie can raise him. Belichick I need you to take care of Super Sonic. Eli you need to take care of Green Party Candidate Jill Stein. Stafford you need to take care of Detroit, and with Minnesota Eli and I will set up a trap the NFL Big Brother Hall Pass for Minnesota. Once you slide the hall pass over Minnesota will eat it and then Pinky will come in for a Surprise Attack.

Bill Belichick: This sounds like an excellent plan.

Matthew Stafford: Just curious, where is Rob Kraft?

Bill Belichick: He's out on a Cruise with Roger Goodell.

Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Matthew Stafford, Pinky, and Bill Belichick left the Patriots office. Belichick put Tom Brady in charge of the Patriots as temporary owner with Belichick abandoning the Patriots to help Pinky Avenge Harambe's death.

Rob Gronkowski: Tom Brady, with no adults in the facility we should throw a party like I do on my cruise.

Tom Brady: Maybe if we beat the Bills in week 4 I'd be in the mood for a party. Since we play Buffalo on the road in week 8 no party. Instead we have a film session.

The Patriots had a film session to prepare for Buffalo. Meanwhile, Roger Goodell and Rob Kraft were on the cruise together. They had just gotten out of a Spy and had fancy robes on.

Roger Goodell: Damn, Rob Kraft you throw the best cruises. How do I afford one of these.

Rob Kraft: It was my pleasure Goodell. Hopefully this cruise is enough to convince you we are worthy of going to the NFL Big Brother Bowl.

Donald Trump's Kids showed up to Archie Manning's house hoping his sons would autograph their footballs.

Donald Trump Jr.: Archie, we were hoping Peyton and Eli could autograph our footballs we are huge fans.

Archie Manning: The boys aren't home right now. My only son that is home is Cooper Manning. I just hope Peyton and Eli didn't go to the Detroit Zoo. You will have to meet them there if you really want their autographs.

Trump's kids left Archie's house and arrived at the zoo before our heroes who are completely unaware of their presence. Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Matthew Stafford, Bill Belichick, and Pinky the Gorilla arrived at the Detroit Zoo. Their plan was to split up and eliminate Cecil's Army Of Gay Lions.

Peyton Manning stumbled upon Big Orange. Big Orange was looking for Cecil when he found Blood's dead body. Peyton noticed this and began one of his usual jingles.

Blood: Said nothing. He lied there in a pool of blood.

Peyton Manning: I just found a dead lions body. Big Orange is gonna stay with Archie.

Peyton grabbed Big Orange and used the voice from his Nation Wide Commercials to manipulate Big Orange.

Big Orange: ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR! ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR. ROAR ROAR!

Big Orange roared the Rocky Top theme song, but did not bite Peyton. Bill Belichick ran into Eric Trump. Eric was looking for Super Sonic.

Bill Belichick: I know you are one of Donald Trump's kids. Go ahead and take a shot at Super Sonic. I know you cannot handle him. If you screw up I'll step in.

Eric Trump: Bill Belichick is a pretty nice guy.

Eric Trump was about to watch Super Sonic devour one of his arms. Then someone shot Super Sonic saving Eric Trump's life.

Super Sonic: ROAR!

Super Sonic made his last roar. The person who shot him was revealed.

Ray Lewis: I didn't kill no mother fucking lion. I didn't save one of Donald Trump's spoiled bastard children.

Bill Belichick: Yes you did Ray Lewis. Kiss the rings.

Eli Manning ran into Green Party Candidate Jill Stein. Eli brainstormed how he'd get rid of the Green Lion in Cecil's army of gay lions.

Eli Manning: Chris Christie is the most credible politician of all time.

Eli Manning's praise of Chris Christie gave Green Party Candidate Jill Stein a seizure. This left only two lions Detroit and Minnesota.

Green Party Candidate Jill Stein: ROAR! ROAR! ROAR!

Matthew Stafford was fighting Donald Trump Jr. to save Detroit. Meanwhile Eli caught up with Pinky who was hiding from Mike Zimmer and Minnesota.

Donald Trump Jr.: Just surrender Stafford. You are a stiff and will never defeat me.

Matthew Stafford: I'll show you who the stiff is.

Eric Trump showed up. It was 2 on 1 with both of Trump's kids beating the shit out of Stafford until Bill Belichick followed Eric Trump only to invade the fight.

Bill Belichick: Kiss the rings Trump's kids.

Matthew Stafford: You ready to come with me to my house Detroit.

Detroit: ROAR!

Matthew Stafford: Your welcome Detroit.

Eli Manning and Mike Zimmer were about to have an exchange. Pinky kept hiding in the background.

Mike Zimmer: I know you stole my NFL Big Brother Hall Pass. I need to use it this week to remain in the game.

Eli Manning: Alright on the count of 3 I will hand you the NFL Big Brother Hall Pass and you will hand me Minnesota the purple lion.

Eli and Zimmer made the exchange. Zimmer let go of Minnesota and Eli slid the hall pass Zimmer's way. Unfortunately, Minnesota the purple lion ate the hall pass.

Minnesota: ROAR!

Pinky came out of his hiding spot and smacked Minnesota like the Philadelphia Eagles.

Pinky: Take that Minnesota. Show yourself Cecil. You will pay for what you did to Harambe.

Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Matthew Stafford, Bill Belichick, and Pinky were hoping to reunite. Before they re-united Liam Neeson confronted Donald Trump.

Mike Pence: That asshole from the Taken trilogy is here to see you.

Donald Trump: Liam Niasson. I'm a huge fan of his. Send him in.

Liam Neeson entered Trump's office.

Liam Neeson: You've done some real corrupt stuff since taking over the Jaguars. Putting a logo of Goodell with a Hitler mustache, putting Hillary Clinton in jail, and yet I still cannot figure out your angle. As long as you don't betray Peyton Manning's alliance we are good.

Donald Trump: You know, I really don't have to answer any of your questions, but since I'm such a nice guy I will address your concerns. I want to stay on good terms with Peyton. I also feel like I have to make a move at some point though if Jacksonville is going to advance. I want to stay on good terms with Denver, but I must also do what is best for the Jaguars and what is best for Donald Trump.

Liam Neeson: Eli found your sons trying to kill a bunch of gay lions at the Detroit zoo. Care to explain that.

Donald Trump: That was all Mike Pence's idea.

Liam Neeson: I got my eye on you Trump.

Liam Neeson left Trump's office. Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Matthew Stafford, Bill Belichick, and Pinky re-united. Just ahead they saw Cecil the Lion.

Cecil The Lion: What are you doing with these homos Big Orange and Detroit. I command you to devour them now.

Peyton Manning: Did this asshole who killed Harambe just call us homos?

Pinky: Yes, lets throw down Cecil the Lion. I will avenge Harambe.

Cecil The Lion: It's late. The zoo is about to close. Let's throw down next week.

Peyton Manning: Awesome this gives us time to train you for the fight Pinky.

Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Matthew Stafford, Bill Belichick, and Pinky left the Detroit Zoo. Meanwhile Roger Goodell met with Tom Brady.

Roger Goodell: Tom Brady what do you want.

Tom Brady: I'll make you a deal. Put us in the next round and I'll give back the NFL Big Brother Hall Pass I got from Larry Fitzgerald. We'd own a tiebreaker over Pittsburgh if we played them meaning we'd be in the final 4. Plus if Dallas made it to the end against us and kept their NFL Big Brother Hall Pass you would win and your plan to declare NFL Martial Law would succeed. This deal is beneficial for both of us.

Roger Goodell: Okay. That seems like a fair deal Tom Brady. Rob Kraft really treated me to a delightful cruise.

Tom Brady: Great to see we could patch things up.

We returned to the NFL Big Brother House. Roger Goodell met with Marcus Mariota.

Roger Goodell: Sorry Marcus Mariota, you just don't get the NFL good ratings. You are out of the game.

Marcus Mariota: Let me go get my bags.

Roger Goodell: Okay.

Julie Chen summoned the remaining 13 teams to the room for the eviction ceremony.

Julie Chen: House Guests. Philadelphia defeated the Vikings and thanks to Seattle's tie the Seahawks have been disqualified. Minnesota can you present your NFL Big Brother Hall Pass. If you do this the Vikings will advance to the round of 8. Otherwise Detroit will move on.

Mike Zimmer: Minnesota the Lion ate our NFL Big Brother Hall Pass.

Julie Chen: Well, Minnesota that's like saying the dog ate your homework. The Vikings are evicted. What does this mean Scott Hanson?

Scott Hanson: Wow, just wow Julie. We are officially now down to 12 teams. The 8 seed Detroit Lions and 6 seed Philadelphia Eagles advance in the NFC. This means that we will either get Detroit VS Dallas or if the Giants beat the Cowboys, we will see the Washington VS Atlanta winner lock up home field in the NFC. New England a 2 seed and Pittsburgh a 3 seed have clinched spots in the final 8 making them the first 2 AFC teams to advance. Who New England and Pittsburgh play depends largely on whether Jacksonville or Denver advances. Buffalo and Houston also need to determine the winner of their game.

Julie Chen: Thanks Scott. We'll be back next time on NFL Big Brother.

Next time on NFL Big Brother. The Jacksonville Jaguars are the new HOH. Will Donald Trump turn next weeks episode of NFL Big Brother into an episode of The Apprentice with him being the Jaguars owner? Roger Goodell meets with the Buffalo Bills, Washington Redskins, and Atlanta Falcons hoping he can lure one of the remaining 3 neutral teams to his NFL Martial Law plan. Peyton Manning figures out who should raise Big Orange after Archie refuses to raise him. Pinky trains with Rocky Balboa to prepare for his fight against Cecil. Finally, Cecil the Lion searches for Big Orange and Detroit. Will Cecil the Lion find his former allies and what will he do when he finds them? All of this next time on NFL Big Brother.